If you are on a path of spiritual evolution and growth, I wanted to write about a potential pitfall that I’ve noticed from my own journey. It’s when you get to a level of awareness where you are noticing some uncomfortable things within. I call this the dark side of awareness.
With a commitment to spiritual growth and a desire to be more awake, comes increased awareness. Oftentimes we think of spiritual growth and awareness as a mystical phenomenon, like the opening of a big third eye, astral projection and clairvoyance. However, awareness is just….awareness. Increased awareness means that you literally see more things. It’s like sitting on a park bench gazing at your phone for too long and then looking up and noticing the birds flying overhead, hearing the sound of the water from a nearby fountain and smelling the coffee from the bakery across the street. When you are present and aware, your field of perception opens up more broadly to the whole experience of life- the good, the bad, the disturbing, the beautiful, the bizarre, the serious, the funny, the ironic etc.. It’s natural to go in and out of this state but as we grow in awareness, we might spend more time in presence.
What I wanted to talk specifically about in this post is how increased awareness affects how we see ourselves over time; how we become more awake to our own game and hip to our own perceived shortcomings, pettiness, patterns, negative thinking and delusions of various kinds. This is the dark side of awareness and it inevitably happens as we grow. We get to see how we’re still playing things out that no longer serve us and how our past experience taints how we view people and things in our life today. We become more aware of things that we continue to do despite knowing they are not good for us. This is all a part of spiritual growth. It can be embarrassing and humbling. At least it is for me. These awarenesses tend to come up in batches too- like, all of a sudden, I am aware of 3 or 4 “programs” that have been running in the background of my psyche which have been causing perceptional inaccuracies which then cause me suffering.
If you are at a place where you are feeling like your spiritual growth has you seeing your own stuff in a way that’s got you down, I want to let you know that you are not alone and this isn’t where it ends. Part of being human is working through some crap in order to make progress. If you are finding that increased awareness is feeling like white hot embarrassment or shame, I encourage you to look at this as a sign of growth and an opportunity instead of something to feel terrible about. You could be on the brink of massive and amazing breakthrough!
I remember reading about a Buddhist monk who got excited every time something annoyed him because it showed him where work still needed to be done within. I can’t say I’m there yet. Annoyance still feels like annoyance to me and I still point fingers sometimes. However, I am committed enough to my growth that I am willing to allow myself an initial reaction and then look within to see what’s actually going on and hopefully end with some good humor about what a mess of a human I can be sometimes.
If any of this resonates with you, I have a few suggestions of things I’ve done that have helped me TREMENDOUSLY on my spiritual path during times when I’m feeling very fallible.
Write it all down: Journal what you are discovering about yourself and your patterns. Getting things out of my head and down on paper helps me feel less mental.
Talk to someone: a trusted friend (or therapist or coach) who you know is doing enough work on themselves that they can hold space for you without judgement or a lot of projection.
Be okay with being human: Remember that the human experience is gnarly and awkward at times. Our experience is what it is and it is all okay! You have always been doing the best you could and when we know better, we do better. Let yourself off the hook.
Radical self-compassion: Nobody has it all figured it out so avoid making comparisons and be kind to yourself.
Reframe: Even if it doesn’t feel good, look at these realizations as progress and a reason to celebrate growth (remember that monk)! Feeling like crap can actually be a tremendous turning point.
Meet everyone with fresh eyes: We are all evolving. These chaotic times have seemed to accelerate growth so give everyone, including yourself, the room to be brand new.
Allow the energy to shift: Feel the feelings, journal the realizations and then allow yourself to move on. Don’t attach too much to any identity around these things. After all, we are much more than our silly little personalities. Free yourself when it’s time and go have some fun or at least a nap.
I hope these suggestions help. I always love to hear different ideas and takes on these things so feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below. Lots of love to you on your journey!
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